haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
