May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
