Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
