I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
