dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
