i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
