i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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