is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
home. puking in laundry basket.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
