My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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