it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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