If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
