Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
