this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
