I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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