Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
