Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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