I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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