I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
