Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
