the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
