my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
