haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He kissed a someone with a penis
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
