I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
