She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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