i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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