we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
