I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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