I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My sheets look like a crime scene.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
