life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
