so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
