You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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