Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
