I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Mom said you looked used
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
