two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
