Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
