would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
zippers are such a cool invention
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
