If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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