Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
