my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
