mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
