I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
