also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
