i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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