Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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