im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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