I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
