Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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