idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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