sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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