I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
