Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
