you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
