Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she peed on how many people?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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