Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
