Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
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I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
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I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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