Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
