seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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