I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
