I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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